A B5 Fan Fiction

[Virgil_Tibbs]

Hi,

I'm a new poster here, although I have been lurking for a little while. I noticed Ranger Redux (although I'm only through page one so far), and am hoping that some of the posters around here will welcome some more B5 Fan Fiction, even if from a newbie to your forums.

You guys will be the first to see it, as I don't know any B5 fans IRL.

Without spoiling much, I'll say that the story is about a psi cop trying to apprehend a serial killer, and attempting to deal with some terrible realizations about the nature of her work. I'd initially intended this as a short story, but it grew into a novella of 30,000 words or so. Not bad for someone who majored in chemistry.

The story happens between the episodes "Dust to Dust" and "Messages From Earth." I'd say it has spoilers all the way through to the end of Season Three though. Although it starts in Boston, it does get to the station pretty quick. Having read the Psi Corp trilogy might help with a few minor details, but it should be understandable without that.

Comments most certainly welcome, but please keep in mind I have little training at creative writing, other than having done a lot of reading and few much smaller works I've wrote.

Anyone interested please go here:
http://jc316.stormpages.com/writing/B5_SotM_01.html

Thanks for your time,
Tibbs

 

[Shaal Mayan]

Pretty good and welcome to the forum

 

[Virgil_Tibbs]

Thanks.

Nice to find a place to talk about B5.

 

[Morden]

Welcome to the board, Virg. A story like this demands feedback, so let's clear up a few minor things:

-Zack Allan is his name. You misspelled it using the more common "Allen."
-Nightwatch members recieve fifty extra credits a week for services, not thirty.
-Very odd alien names, even for aliens. 'Ta'Wher' sounds very un-Narnish and 'Lucef' sounds very un-Minbari. Don't get me wrong, it's not a criticism, just an observation.
-"Oh, son of a bitch!" he cried, unintentionally using one of Lisa's favored oaths.
If that's a favorite oath, I'd hate to see a favorite swear.

-You referred to Lennier as "her aide," poor, overlooked Lennier.
-Kribu would absolutely love Ta'Wher, especially if you edited the story a bit to give him even more clever dialogue. (Kribu has a thing for Narns, you know.)
-Looney Toons, Simpsons. Nice.
-You write Garibaldi and Marcus flawlessly. Their repore following the MindBlanker's attack on Delenn was awesome.
-'Ivanova sat up and finally looked at Ta'Wher. She somehow looked completely sober, as if despite all the alcohol she had consumed she was cursed to remain that way.'

That is the spot.

Okay, some bigger points:
"'Lisa Collins... I, um, fixed your brain," she stammered awkwardly. Fine time for a school girl crush, she thought, disappointed in herself.'"
"'Even someone as socially inept as Collins knew she was could tell there was some sort of strong relationship between Captain Sheridan and Delenn.'"

These are just two of the many examples you had of Lisa utilizing her poor social skills to make your character more interesting. You're very good at this.
-The paragraph at the start of page 5 about how dangerous Ivanova and alcohol are when mixed is not necessary. We already knew. The Pak'ma'ra hiding under that rock knew, also.
-Having Lisa learn about Ivanova's telepathy was not a good idea. It just didn't seem very Ivanova-like the rest of the story (which wasn't much, so don't fret).
-The spider/crab sending Ta'Wher Lisa's worst moment was kind of demeaning.
A. Ta'Wher knew she had done such things in the past. He's not at all naive.
B. Ta'Wher was very sure that he'd point Lisa to the light. Now that she's beginning to question Psi Corps, I'd think he would become even more determined, regardless of past sins.

The flashback made me question the future of Lisa and Ta'Wher, which is totally uncalled for. Lisa wouldn't know what to do without Ta'Wher and vice-versa, they're far too symmetrical for each other to give up now.

-I want sequels. You pull off a great story about Lisa defecting from Psi Corps we'll name you fan-fiction lauerate or something.

Virg., glad to have you aboard b5tv. And oh, that was such a great, great story. I know a lot of people will skim through because of its length, bur Virg. this story was really fantastic.

And finally, the finest compliment I can give a fellow fan-fic writer...
Excellent useage of Kosh in this story.

 

[Virgil_Tibbs]

Morden wrote:
Welcome to the board, Virg.

Thanks, you definitely know how to make someone feel welcome. I was not expecting such a positive response.

-Zack Allan is his name. You misspelled it using the more common "Allen."

Opps.

Well, that's a simple find and replace job, at least.

-Very odd alien names, even for aliens.

Hmm... well the Minbari are pretty tricky because they all have pretty strange names IMO. Lucef seemed to me about as weird as Neroon, Delenn, or Lennier. Maybe Luceff would look better?

Ta'Wher I think fits the mold of Narn names, since it is similar to Ta'lon, a name from the series.

You referred to Lennier as "her aide," poor, overlooked Lennier.

Each little section of the story is written from the perspective of a particular character, in this case Lisa did not know Lennier's name.

You write Garibaldi and Marcus flawlessly.

Two fun characters to write dialog for. A funny thing about Marcus for me was that I saw the series out of order, specifically I saw season 5 first. Therefore I initially did not like Marcus because he reminded me in appearance and accent of Byron.

However, Marcus quickly became one of my favorites with all his great lines, especially (not sure if this is exactly right), "I used to think it was terrible the Universe was so unfair. But then I thought, wouldn't it be worse if the opposite were true? What if the Universe was fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us happened because we deserve them?"

-The paragraph at the start of page 5 about how dangerous Ivanova and alcohol are when mixed is not necessary. We already knew. The Pak'ma'ra hiding under that rock knew, also.

Heh... well I included it because it would have been at least briefly in Garibaldi's chain of thought, also there might be someone hiding under the Pak'ma'ra under the rock.

(though that strikes me as a very unpleasant place to be)

Having Lisa learn about Ivanova's telepathy was not a good idea. It just didn't seem very Ivanova-like the rest of the story (which wasn't much, so don't fret).

Ivanova's behavior was a tough call... on the one hand, we all know that Ivanova is tough as nails. On the other hand, through the story she subjected to enough stress to make lesser mortals go insane. I mean, after an entire day spent with a psi cop (every minute of which is spent worrying she might be scanned), what is pretty much her greatest fear comes true when Lisa does figure it out. Also, Ivanova sees inside the mind of a serial killer, which is probably the first time she touched anyone's mind besides her mother. I think even Ivanova would be feeling pretty meek at this point.

Well, don't continue on from this point unless you want a few minor spoilers for the next story...



A. Ta'Wher knew she had done such things in the past. He's not at all naive.

Ta'Wher knew she had done some bad things in the past, but this was a bit worse than he expected. However, that is not the actual reason he was so silent the rest of the story. He was still trying to deal with seeing Kosh out of his encounter suit, which would appear to him as G'Quan. That is one heck of a big surprise.

The flashback made me question the future of Lisa and Ta'Wher, which is totally uncalled for.

Sorry, I had to be a little bit evil there. Lisa may be questioning if Ta'Wher will abandon her, but the thought did not even cross his mind. He's going to stay the course for all the reasons you mentioned.

-I want sequels. You pull off a great story about Lisa defecting from Psi Corps we'll name you fan-fiction lauerate or something.

Well, I've already got something brewing in me noggin', but since this story took me half a year to write (I work weird hours and have trouble finding time to write), you may be waiting a while.

And finally, the finest compliment I can give a fellow fan-fic writer...
Excellent useage of Kosh in this story.

[Kosh]Yes.[/Kosh]

Tibbs

 

[RW7427]

Anything with Kosh it it has got to be interesting.

Speaking of writing, I am writing an epic fantasy novel. I haven't posted it anywhere, because I'd like to get it published someday. But it has been a fun challenge to sit and write it.

Sometimes I can get a lot done in one sitting, and other times I just tinker here and there with it. A lot of what I've written has been planned, but some is also spontaneous. Sometimes, I just sit down and write right off the top of my head.

 

[Morden]

Ivanvoa's behavior when it comes to her telepathy is really anyone's call, it's a complete variable. So, yes, it can be very hard to write about that.

Virg., there's still not enough I can say about the greatness of your story. Take as much time as you need - but bring Ta'Wher with you when you write again.

 

[A_M_Swallow]

The singular of the military organisation corps is also "corps". Corp is an abbreviation of corporation.

I enjoyed the story.

 

[Virgil_Tibbs]

The singular of the military organisation corps is also "corps".

Ha, if my old high school AP English teacher were dead, she'd be rolling in her grave.

I'm lucky I caught my biggest slip up before putting this story up on my site... I got three quarters of the way through writing the thing and realized I'd been mispelling Minbari with a second 'm' the whole time! What a n00b.

Thanks for the feedback all, much appreciated.

Tibbs

 

[torkste]

I liked the story.
Kosh was great, Ivanova was a notch more paranoid than in the show, but it made it more fun to read. I liked the way you made a psi corps into an individual with a, to a mundane like me, strange morality, but like in the trilogy about Bester it has a weird logic to it.

So, keep it up, I want more

 

[Virgil_Tibbs]

Thanks, I'm glad people are enjoying the story. I'm definitely going to be working on the next part as time allows.

Forgot to mention that I fixed the grammar and other errors pointed out in previous posts.

Tibbs

 

[Virgil_Tibbs]

Since hope was expressed for a sequel, I figured I'd offer an update of my progress.

The story of Lisa and Ta'Wher's flight from the Corps is about a third complete, and I expect it to be about twice as long as my last effort, which puts it at novel length I believe. It should stand alone from the previous story, though of course reading that one would help.

I'm not sure if its possible to get a new B5 novel published at this point, but when I'm done I'll at least look into that. Don't worry though, I promise I'll finish even if I find out publishing is impossible.

Btw, if anyone else reads the story on my website, please give feedback.

Tibbs