Re: Battlestar Galactica The Greatest Scif show? or Babylon 5
Review of “Escape Velocity”
Episode 406
Badly written by Jane Espenson
Badly directed and I mean badly by EJO
Synopsis: teaser;
Open with the religious service to commemorate Squeaky. Its a setup scene where we see Fruitloop request the same kind of sendoff from Witless William, also where the Foolish Five minus Two continue to play “notice us” games. Aside from that? Nothing happens this scene. Witless William spots the FFMT and wonders about it. Big deal.
Next is the scene with Baldylocks and Crapprica Six in the brig. Simply put, Baldylocks and Crappricca Six get it, on while Baldy hallucinates Mrs Uglyfeet while he psycho-dances with the actual Cyloon who tries to get in close and subvert him. So much for Crappicra Six's last week's revelation to Fruitloop, that she can sense the Foolish Five in the Colon fleet. Baldylocks is right in front of her, and yet she cannot detect the Cyloon in the Colon cyclops? Hello? Nobody pays attention to story continuity? Baldylocks , tells her that seeing Hera “ist verboten”. The scene is a mess as edited. I had to see it three times to make sure that I understood that Crappricca was using a Cyloon trick on Baldylocks, and that he really was being hallucinated into seeing Crapprica as his wife Ms. Uglyfeet by DESIGN.
Next we go to Meatwad's quarters. The kid is squalling. Three dumb adults circle jerk the blame game while the kid cries. Finally Baldylocks changes the kid. This Colon culture is definitely anti-kid. The scene shows three Cyloons with three viewpoints. Colonel Cyclops tells Meatwads to be HUMAN and tough it out. Bored jumps on the Batty Baltar theology “we are perfect” so we just ignore the guilt thing. Baldylocks notices this, calls it crap, but still wonders if a Cyloon can shut the guilt off. Meatwad just whines, about “What am I?” Pfui.
Act 1:
Cut to the commune. Bored seeks out Gayass for some S and M games consisting of crossing sexual signals in his diseased mind-plucking head hair and fondling the girly man at both ends of the spine. As she begins to rape Gayass showing to Gayass some super-strength; a badly edited inter-cut shows us the reactionary cultist “sons of Ares” headed into the commune. They beat up the woman demand Gayass so that they can kill him and generally graffiti the place up. Yawn. Supposedly Gayass, listening to Bored's ravings about “perfection” and pain/pleasureand witnessing the attack undergoes an epiphany. This mushily developed scene again doesn't set up the next act sequence which is Meatwad's descent into abject cowardice.
Speaking of Meatwad again he is inside a Raptor and he is working on a rocket thruster. He hallucinates Squeaky; where he beats her up, where she works with him on the Blackbird, etc. As he daymares, Circlejerk [Racetrack] asks Meatwad, if he's finished, and Meatwad claims yes failing to repair a bus fuse he was supposed to replace.
In a good CGI sequence, Circlejerk takes that Raptor out, it malfuncts, she does a time rotation landing and she smashes into a parked landram on the hanger deck. Colons never heard of clearing the landing run, or putting up a catch net? From the way the Raptor splashed nobody walks away from that crash. Call this the biggest CGI/story goof I've ever seen on TV. That Raptor was SHREDDED. Circlejerk and her partner should be lumps of meat.
Cut to the commune where Gayass with Harvey Sex in tow squawks at the boob heading the Dysgal investigation team demanding somebody act to get after the sickos who beat up his Manson girls. HS pointrs him at the graffiti, so that Batty Baltar reads “Sons of Ares”. Later Batty sees one of his cultists nutcases clenching an Asclepius doll. “You'll heal us” she croons at him while she clutches this idol. Meanwhile Harvey Sex croons at Gayass that the “Old gods die hard” they are fighting back.”
Back to the hanger: Meatwad is in the middle of the lump that was Circlejerk's Raptor. Figurski is with him. Meatwad pulls the fuse he was supposed to replace and matches it against the one he has in his pocket. Circlejerk's GIB, Bonehead, notices and starts in on Meatwad. Meatwad admits he FUed, but Circlejerk , who's been on the receiving end of a lot of this Dysgal BS blows it off, and Bonehead finally tells Meatwad “Your only Human.” Meatwad whines; “Why don't you tell me I FUed? Cowards!” Figursky offers to finish the job, but Meatwad tells him tio get lost.[Naturally you know this scene, I'd write differently. In my version, Circlejerk tells Bonehead to shut up, then when everyone, including Meatwad quiets down, she pulls out her pistol and shoots Meatwad between the ears. “That is how you handle a dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy.” she instructs her GIB and everyone else present. “Don't waste words on it. Act”. F.]
Back at the commune: Baltar now has the Asclepius pendant. Harvey Sex tells him that people have only room for one belief, the old gods or him. She points out how great he'll be, if he becomes the replacement belief. Urged on by this stupid advice, Batty Baltar heads straight to the Zeus worship room and does his zealot in the temple act. Zeus was a serial rapist, Asclepius was murdered by a Gorgon and Aphrodite was a whore, etc. The cult joins Batty in the mayhem and rioting. Enter the Colon Marines to break up the riot. Badly shot scene badly written.
Act II:
Witless visits Fruitloop with new book in hand, Searider Falcon, is in sickbay, Fruitloop hasn't read it in years. Witless admits he's too cowardly to finish it. Fruitloop offers to spoil the ending, but desists. Then the subject of Gayass and the Sons of Ares comes up. Both agree Gayass should be handled but disagree how. The Zeus Room Riot was obviously revenge for the commune attack, but what to do? Addled claims he investigates but no-one talks...Fruitloop counters realistically that Baltar provokes the trouble especially from the Dysgal ghetto quarters of Dogsville. Batty provokes a religious civil war in the fleet they finally agree. Should they exile him or brig him? Fruitloop decides on her own action. “I'm going to let him see me.”
Baldylocks visits Crapprica Sex again: asks her about how she handkles the guilt of mudering billions of Colons. She cannot help but feel it so she says. This upsets Baldylocks who wants the guards to guard her with raised guns..
Hanger deck: Meatwad welds on the wreckage. Figurski walks up and asks him early or late? Meatwad blows him off, and then he abandons his weld work and walks off the job. Abandonment of duty we call it..
In the Brig we have another meaningless scene where Batty makes a strip search joke and Fruitloop will have none of it. Fruitloop points out her wig and her mortality index And then she tells Batty that she wants a quiet little death. Give up the cult crusade or its out the airlock for Gayass she implies. Then she cuts him loose.
Joe's Bar is the next setting. Addled sits next to Meatwad. He tries to do his commander thing to see what is up with his chief and why his maintenance section is now screwed up. Meatwad blows off the admiral. Meatwad daymares Addled receiving a shot of alcohol and this reply: "I guess it was just more than she could take, huh? Being married to a Cylon who made her the mother to a half-breed abomination." Daymare ends when Witless suggests that Asqueaky was a good woman. That sets Meatwad off. Meatwad points out in reality, that Addled was ready to shoot Squeaky. Then Meatwad tirades about his dull eyed, cabbage stinky, wife was no angel, that his life sucks, that his one true love is a Cyloon, but he settled for Squeaky, the one Adama makes an angel. He then suggests that Addled is a fool for not asking the right questions. Witless now has insubordination to add the long list of charges, so what does he do? Gives Meatwad one more chance. Meatwad dares Addled to demote him and kick him off the ship. [At this point I write.... Adama motions to two off duty Colon Marines and says. “Escort this “garbage” to the brig. I'll decide what to do with him, presently.” F.] Instead Witless demotes Meatwad and orders him to report for reassignment, thus kicking him off the Dysgal.
